Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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