Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize