Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
