Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
