Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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