My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You are a genius and a whore.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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