Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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