I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
third nipple confirmed
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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