I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
