I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
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