I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
