I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
