Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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