shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We left the knife in your bed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
