My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize