i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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