i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
