i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
