My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
