im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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