Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
