if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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