Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i think i have two assholes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
