he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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