nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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