Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
