when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he fucked my hip out of place.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
