You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
