Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
