Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
