I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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