last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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