Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
They have beer where we have blood.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize