so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
