Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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