I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
