I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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