You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
