I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
