While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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