Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
