I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
