I can feel you judging me through the phone.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
