Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
