So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
