State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
