I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize