His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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