so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
