there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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