your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Randomize
