and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't deserve a penis
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
tell me about the fingering
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