Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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