You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
