So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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