sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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