Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
