the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
