There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
