I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
