rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
