Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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