Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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