I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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